Who Kidnapped Joan Crawford?

Who kidnapped Joan Crawford?

Book Excerpt from Memoir Tharon Ann

   “Someone jus stole Joan Crawford outta her pen in the backyard. Aunt Lowee havin herself a hissy fit grievin over Joan Crawford bein Sunday supper cuz folks like fried chicken round here. I’m drawing a picture that’s a honest to God likeness’a Joan Crawford to nail on telephone poles’n trees all the way to the bottom of Hudson’s Market. The sign reads, ‘I gonna give you a one dollar cash reward if you tell me who kidnapped Joan Crawford, my red hen who answers to that name,’ plus our telephone number which gots two party lines in use most’a the time.”

     “We decide to go on a search’n seejure for her red hen, but first we got to stop at the grocery store since it’s round where we goin. It’s a real hot summer day; my feet hurt like all get-out from me goin barefoot all the time. This pavement is hotter’n fire from black tar spread on it yesterday. I swear, right outta nowheres Aunt Lowee’s voice starts tremblin as she whispers in my ear, ‘Tharon Ann ya’ll hear that? Do you? Sweet Jesus, that’s my baby Joan Crawford inside that washtub yonder!’ Then she starts runnin like a woman with her hair on fire.”

     “Oh no! She headed into somebody’s backyard. She bout to knock they fence down tryin to climb over it. She gettin her white under panties all knotted up on the wire. If someone walks down the hill, they gonna see her big tail end stuck on that wire fence; oh, please, please get her unstuck. Thank you Jesus. Now she’s over the fence. She’s runnin over to the washtub on accounta she hears Joan Crawford hen cluckin her brains out. I holler, ‘Aunt Lowee! What you doin?'”

     “She lifts up the washtub to find Joan Crawford just sittin there like a little angel cluckin away, like she been waitin her whole life to be rescued.

     “Aunt Lowee! You best get outta there fore someone calls the cops!” But Aunt Lowee caint stop kissin Joan Crawford, so I yell out again, ‘Aunt Lowee! I’m worried the person who kidnapped Joan Crawford gonna come outta that house’n see me’n you trespassin on they private property. They gonna call the cops on us. Aunt Lowee! Me’n you going straight to jail! Jump back over that fence! Jump! Jump!’ But she so crazy-happy findin Joan Crawford, she caint stop for nothin, just kissin’n a’cuddlin that chicken in her arms. Then, jus like Aunt Lowee sprouted wings, she leapfrogs over that busted fence, red feathers flyin ever which’a way’n holdin Joan so tight – I swear I’m scared her eyes gonna pop right out!”

       Pets Adviser  says:

       All of them have their own personality, and are varied in color and size. A few of them were even trained to come when called, proving that chickens can be trained to perform a variety of actions on command.


     “We runnin so fast up hill Aunt Lowee trips on one of her shoes that keeps fallin off, but we keep right on runnin, me’n her not stoppin even one minute to pick it up on accounta the one who kidnapped Joan Crawford cud put us in jail. Aunt Lowee hollerin, that she don’t give a tinker’s damn bout that shoe; it’s worth losin cuz she got her baby back’n all. Anyways, she gets our shoes from the markdown barrel at Kroger’s for one dollar cash.”

     “I caint go to Hudson’s Market today on accounta all the commotion.  We don’t got much to eat in the house so Aunt Lowee wants me to go out back’n pick polk sallet to go with biscuits’n pan gravy she bout to make.”

     “Mister God, you ever hear’a this joke? How come the chicken crossed the road? This here’s the anser: that chicken crossed the road on accounta he had to get hisself to the other side. I don’t think it’s all that funny either, but I figure you must get so lonesome that you’d laugh at jus bout anythin.”

Book Excerpt from Tharon Ann – Part One, The Early Years

One thought on “Who Kidnapped Joan Crawford?

  1. Pingback: Who Kidnapped Joan Crawford? | Tharon Ann – from orphan, to actress, to mother, to seeker

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